4 Months Postpartum: I thought I Was Doing Okay, But...

I really thought I had it together this time. I was so happy. My recovery was smooth. Compared to my first, I felt like I was doing so much better—like I had escaped any form of postpartum depression.

But now? I feel like I've been hit by a truck—emotionally, physically, mentally. Postpartum has its hands around my throat right now. And honestly, I don’t even know who I am. I don’t even have the words to describe what’s happening to me.

It’s just... my body looks different. My hair is falling out. I’m overstimulated. I haven't had a good night's sleep in months. Every day feels like the same routine on repeat.

I’m happy. I’m blessed. I have everything I ever prayed for. But I’m also sad. I want these moments with my babies to last forever, but I’m also counting down the minutes until bedtime.

I wake up, take care of everyone else, and crash into bed at night feeling like I didn't do enough. Like I’m running on empty, but with nothing to show for it. And when the house is finally quiet, I’m too exhausted to do anything for myself. I feel guilty for not taking better care of me. And I hate that most nights, I don’t even have the energy to pour into my marriage.

I used to have hobbies. I used to know what made me happy. Now? I can’t even answer that question.

I’ve been scared to share my experiences online, but something in me feels compelled to say this out loud—because I know I’m not the only mom feeling this way. And if just one person reads this and feels seen, then it’s worth it.

This is why I started my blog—to share both the beauty and the struggle of motherhood. Because it (the struggle) isn’t talked about enough. And when it is, moms are judged. But we shouldn’t have to suffer in silence.

I know these feelings aren’t forever. I know I’m still in here somewhere. I might not know how to find her yet, but I know I will. Maybe writing and sharing more will help me figure it out. Maybe just saying this out loud will remind me that I’m not alone.

And if you are in this place too—if you’re struggling with postpartum identity—I just want you to know: You are not alone, mama. And if you’ve found your way back to yourself, tell me—how did you do it?